I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
