a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
