I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
