If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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