The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
