Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
