Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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