Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
