i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
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