Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
