I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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