Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
