where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize