I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
