Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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