he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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