Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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