Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
