My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
