Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
