She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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