i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize