Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
