My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Randomize
