I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
