Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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