there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
