You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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