There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
