john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
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