he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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