I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
