the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
