I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
