a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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