Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize