hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
