I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
