my mouth tastes like poor choices
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
