Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
