On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
