So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
