The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
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