i barfeds in our rink
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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