and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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