the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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