i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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