Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
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