I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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