Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Randomize
