it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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