No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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