Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
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