then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
