i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
