He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
