yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
