pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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