Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
