90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
